vorige
vorige

in between – helena

Fogged windows. 
Dew outside. 
She tiptoes around the house, 
in a yet to explore world. 
This world feels new, 
even though she had been here before. 

Visiting, 
dining, 
laughing. 

She woke up in this house, 
slept under the sheets, 
closed her eyes, 
after looking in his, 
feeling a warm embrace. 

Fogged windows. 
Dew outside. 
The lightness in her steps long gone and now a heaviness in her heart,
in a world that she doesn’t belong. 
This world feels familiar, 
like she is been here before. 

Anger, 
fear, 
judgement.

She woke up in this house,
slept under the sheets, 
closed her eyes, 
as tears rolled down her cheeks. 

In between, was love. This piece describes the beginning and the ending of love. How we can be in the same situation, same person and with the same objects and space around us, but everything can feel so different. It holds this incredible sadness, the knowing that we cannot go back to this childlike feeling of stepping into a new world together with this person. 

This piece is about a person that rejected me. Rejected me for showing him who I was. The total of who I was. My vulnerabilities, my past, my desire for non-monogamous dating. For sharing intimacy with not just the two of us. 

I felt ashamed and shamed of my feelings and desires. I had let this person into my heart very eagerly and it hurt like hell to find out he could make a mess of it so fast. I felt grief, sadness, anger. But as time passed I also realized that I could not just blame this person for my hurt. Having open communication about other lovers and the fears and jealousy that might arise with this is scary. We might feel like we could lose “our” person, it will influence our connection with them, they might like something that other person can give them more and they might want to hang out with that person more taking away from “our” time. Our ego might take over, and we become reactive and lash out. 

Trying to hold space and create support for this reaction and for the person to feel out their feelings is something that I also needed to learn and am still learning. Where is the boundary as to what I can do to support and where do I draw the line and protect myself? As much fun as it can be and as much as it can teach us about ourselves, exploring non-monogamy can also be really painful. For ourselves and our partners. This situation taught me that being able to support yourself and others in this process is of great importance. Know how to catch yourself when you fall and what your partner or lover might need to feel seen and heard.

Photo: Max van der Voort